There are many things you get warned about when you about to give birth. But an unexpected one is that you are warned that you will experience what is called “the baby blues”.
You will have a time 3-5 days after the birth when the hormones in your body run wild and you run a roller coaster of emotions, even doubting if you are capable of being a mother or wondering if you can go back.
And the thing is despite the warnings, and the fact that you are ‘somewhat’ mentally prepared, you still have to let the emotions run their course. Even with the second child, when you have already experienced this tornado of emotion and hormones once before, it still hits you just as hard. It is not something you can avoid.
You may not have given birth, but I wonder if you can relate to that feeling? The feeling of holding a precious new-born dream in your hands, but you haven’t quite got the hang of it yet. The questioning why you did this in the first place and whether you can go back, (when clearly you can’t). The emotional roller coaster, the doubts, the questions.
I spent the weekend at my first creative retreat, with a community of women who were brave, vulnerable, creative souls.
The night before I left I wrote two words over and over in my journal:
When I chose my phrase for the year in January ‘new rhythm‘, I was mostly focused on the latter part of this phrase. The idea that my life would have a different ebb and flow with two kids in school and trying to adjust to the changes that brings.
To be honest the first word ‘new’ is there because of these changes, like a new year or a new season, but I didn’t really expect it to mean much more than that.
Oh but it does!
There is a pattern in my life, an unhealthy pattern, a pattern of denial. A pattern of not owning the reality that is placed upon me.
I established and ran a woman’s ministry in our church for a number of years, and yet I hesitated to call myself a leader. I have been writing in one form or another since I was 6 years old but only recently have I called myself a writer. I have been involved in creative events and services for a long time, and yet would never have thought to call myself creative.
But there is power in owning those names, there is power in finally stepping up and saying “yes, I am a leader, I am a writer, I am creative”. Because opportunities suddenly appear.
And this is why …
When I started writing this blog in May 2010, My eldest was 9 months old. And I started writing in order to have a moment to myself, a moment of reflection and contemplation. I had two readers at that stage, Mr and my sister. And I was quite happy with that!
We were cooking today, her and me. Measuring together, talking, smelling spices, adding milk. As I caught a glimpse of her sitting licking the spoon, I caught a dull hard jab in the middle of my chest. And I was overwhelmed with missing her … in advance.
I am a collector of words. I like turns of phrase and word play and little snippets of language that encapsulate an idea or a feeling.
I collect from everywhere, quotes, letters, conversations, and what I read.
So of course some of my word collection includes biblical phrases. These phrases speak to me of encounter, a face-to-face meeting with the one who knows me and who knows just what I need.
So I thought I might start another series like “word play” and “just a little list” examining some of my favourite phrases, and the encounters surrounding them. (And because this is my blog that is exactly what I’m going to do, you all ok with that?!)