The processing of my week in Cambodia to work with the wonderful people of Transform, continues. It has evolved, as I have worked through the questions that have been raised by my experience. But currently I am going through a process of re-evaluating.
I am thinking carefully about the stuff we own, the things we fill our time with, the things we spend our money on, the relationships we cultivate, the things we think are so important in our life.
I haven’t posted in this space for a while. At first it was because I was busy and literally couldn’t focus on anything else until the event I was planning was over.
But that has been over for two weeks now and yet I couldn’t post.
See the thing is I have been feeling overwhelmed.
On Monday (yes 1st December) I started my Christmas shopping. For me this is highly unusual. I am usually half done by mid-november.
We put the tree and the decorations up on the weekend. So the house feels Christmasy. But I haven’t got organised yet with my advent calendar.
I was having a chat with Mr yesterday about a blog I read. For the month of October this blog has been focussing on how to create a sacred morning ritual. I have seen these posts come in, and each day I have thought, “that’s great, I need to sit down and read that, and then I need to plan for that, and then I need to do that”.
And each day another post came in, and suddenly there were 17 posts there for me to read and work through, and I was starting to feel overwhelmed.
And the reality is my morning ritual is more like this:
Last winter our eldest daughter was very sick with croup. We had a number of days where she ate nothing, lay about listlessly watching telly, and coughed all day and night. At the time what got us through was dry crackers, marshmallows, Vicks vapour rub and a number of pre-recorded Play School episodes that I could play as needed. That was a year ago.
Today, I have so many episodes pre-recorded on the box, that the box is full of nothing but Play School. See, I am worried that if she gets that sick again, or my youngest gets sick, I won’t have something to help keep them occupied. So I literally have industrial quantities of pre-recorded shows just in case.
As I take my girls on the school run, I often see a woman walking in our neighbourhood. She is pushing a pram with her golden retriever trotting along beside her. I see her and I love the image, going for a walk in the morning with baby and a dog. And I think to myself “we should get a dog … that’d be nice”.
We are going through a period of reclaiming space at our house this week. Bubba Girl has moved to her newly painted room at the back of the house, near her sister, and I have claimed the front room next to our bedroom as my study.
The girls love having their bedrooms down the back together and are in and out of each other’s rooms with such speed that I’m never quite sure where they are, and me I love that I have my own space again.
I have spent this morning just pottering, placing books on shelves, sorting papers, and discarding things that are no longer of any use. It has been a therapeutic process, feeling like a new beginning, a start of something I can’t quite describe or even see yet, something intangible. It’s a bit like my glasses are unfogging and the picture is becoming clearer.
It makes me wonder what I need to discard emotionally, and spiritually, and what I need to reclaim. One thing I do know is that it will be a process, like my study, a slow discovery of where things fit and what needs to be discarded, but I am looking forward to the space it will reclaim in my life.